That bubblegum pink nail polish on nicely manicured nails can’t fix? I’m feeling that now. I graduate tomorrow and it seems like I am the only person who is having and anxiety attack. I’m not even sure why. It doesn’t seem very logical. I have things planned out. I always have things planned out. I always have 10 different plans for all possible and impossible contingencies. That is mostly because I put very little faith in myself. That is a pretty big personality fault, you may say and I completely agree with. I am working towards fixing that.
What better place to talk about your fears than the internet where everyone you don’t know and can’t help you will read about it or skip over it. This is another fault of my own. I don’t always confide in people I trust mostly because I have to be a brave person of the opposite gender. I can use machine tool y’all, I don’t want to break everyone’s illusion of me.
Now that this over the top blog post hasn’t really helped me deal with my anxiety I’m going to go back to working myself to death EVEN though I graduate tomorrow. My boss at work today said something that I should have figured out myself- You deserve a break.
Maybe. Maybe not.
People have different indicators to tell if it is going awesomely. For me that changes with the context and person.
I know it is going pretty well if my advisor gives me sneaky advise but prefaces it with “You didn’t hear it from me…”. I believe it is BFF level of advise. Seriously, believe me, with my advisor it is because our relationship is kind of like this…
… and I’m the cat on the left (isn’t that saying something?) Image from: http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=64142.
Outside of what is happening right now in my life. You know you have a roommate worth saving in a box when you can walk into a room and start your sentence with, “The advantages of being boobless is…”
Now I’m off to read more about indicators for measuring social impact. Boo.
I’m in a Softer World mood right now. I don’t think it is emo exactly but the mood where you know one or many of the A Softer World comics and describe accurately.
It was a cold, harsh winter this year. The sun set at 4:30PM. It snowed. It rained. It snowed freezing rain. As long as it was winter it meant I had time. Time to be a student. To make the most of CMU. Spring is here now. I can hear the birds outside chirping and I know I have less than two month left here. It is a bitter sweet feeling. I would have definitely liked to stay another year and taken more classes that I missed out on. The extra year would have given me time to get to know CMU better. Yes yes, everyone complains about Pittsburgh and the fact that CMU kids are nerds but they miss a lot of the subtleties that create a very different experience for you here than if you were in a real college town or a ghost town. It is almost curated to be good. You meet the smartest and most talented people who keep you on your feet. You know how I get over people who can’t keep up with me? Not happening here. I’m afraid they will get over me.
I recently learnt that there is a ghost town in the US called Revenge. Exciting.
I’m in the mood to write. I should probably use this opportunity to start penning my thesis. But you know how procrastination works right? That is how it is going now.
I woke this morning with a weird realization. I’m going back home after two years. Which means all the things I adapted to (biking on the wrong side of the road, switches that are the opposite, miles, walking home late at night by myself) have to be undone. I’m going to be working on something I really like but I’m not coming back to things I’m accustomed to. I’m moving to a new city and starting over. It was easier in the summer last year for my internship because I knew it had a definite end. I knew I’d come back home to a place where I know people. Isn’t it weird how your definition of home changes? Whatever you may say, I actually feel that Pittsburgh is my home now. I have two lovely roommates. I have creaky house. I have a routine. I have a blue glass that I drink water out of. I have a large messy room with a bird cage. I have lovely gaybours. What am I doing moving again? Why am I leaving behind things I know- the midwestern niceness, my route, my yoga teacher (who is amazing like you will not believe it). Bangalore on the other hand is me. I still say “Jan”, look on the wrong side of the road when I’m crossing, having a weird sense of humor that nobody else gets, a little too independent for my own good, I still dress like I’m arty-farty, only go to cities with good public transit. You know the regular Bangalore kind?
I know this is depressing but you will have to give me credit of not whining through the winter. I somehow learnt to deal with the winter well this year around. Now that spring is here I feel weirdly sad.
Happy Spring dear internet. I hope I get to make the most of you. I would like to stop working to celebrate the sunniness that is you.
Also another thing about your home is people recognize you and call out to you. That happens to me at CMU. Doing plays, showing up for improv, naked people drawing classes etc has made me friends. And that is nice.
But to be fair, people from Bangalore recognize me in the US. So that’s a different story altogether. Which is why I said, Bangalore is me.
I’m currently taking a class at Heinz called the Social Innovation Incubator. I hope to use my design process to identify and address social issues that I can address. The class has a focus on the business aspect of making social ventures work. I will be posting my journey on the class blog . I will try and update my progress on this website but I can ensure you that the class blog will probably be provide you with more regular updates. If you’re a designer interested in social ventures and making them work, the class blog is great because you will be able to get a brief idea of how the class lectures and readings are shaping our concepts in class. Since most of the class is a non-design class, it gives you a holistic perspective of how other entrepreneurs approach the problem.
The first post is up! Problem Spot
For me to have a great experience to write about, you can listen to my new music obsession. I heard it on an old record player in a friend’s house in Philly.
Onra apparently has moved away from this after the Chinoiseries. I haven’t heard his later works to comment.
Aww gais, look what the WordPress team made this year for the annual report.
Click here to see the complete report.
Looks like I fewer people who find my blog looking for shady things. Oh well.
I’m annoyed with myself. I’m on week two and I have been rather unproductive. Even a break should be worth it. This is nothing. Or it has become nothing. It was a relief when it started a week ago and now it is a burden.
How things change.
How I have changed.
Maybe I’m still the same.
I’m restless. I’m angry. I need to do. I need to see. I need to learn and I’m here, wasting away.
For the first time in two years I’m having a creativity freeze up moment.
I listen to other people and say, you know what it is okay to let go once in a while. Fuck that. I’m so unfit because I let myself go for a long time. Not okay. Nothing is okay. This is who I am. Restless. Aching. Curious. Creative. You curb me when you’re okay with mediocrity. When you’re okay with with someone who has let go.
People tell me I’m super calm. Calm all the time. No matter what happens I’m right there being everyone’s Buddha. If you look into my mind right now you will see the chaos. The anger. The unrest.
I shouldn’t have had that fruit roll up.
If Chuck Palahnuik met me in real life I think we’d be buddies.
And this is why children, Aunty SL will die a spinster.
Good night folks.
I watched Django Unchained. It makes me sad when the good guys die.
I have so much empathy when it comes to movies I don’t know why i can’t express it in real life.
Paging Dr Freud moment.
If you read this, it means I am dead. No, I’m just kidding. I’m 24 actually. Very unfit and I have a throat that is trying to set itself on fire or that’s what it feels like.
I once wrote about all the things I want to marry which you can read about right here and I would like to add to the list. I think I’m madly in love with New Orleans. Every single time I hear a jazz/ blue song with that New Awrlins touch, I feel like I’m transported back to the French Quarters, the swamps and the music of that beautiful city. I don’t like Bourbon street but if you are willing to take the chance and wander off by yourself between buildings and over fences you will be transported to a different place altogether. You can smell the history and heritage that exists. Some stories can get rather gruesome- they talk about torture and ill treatment and others tell you about all the people passing through.
That’s the swamp where we didn’t find any alligators. Sad story but we did hear our guide call eyes “peeping holes” and also warned us that the alligator can “put a hurting on ya”. It was awesome. I’m still mastering my midwest accent with the byath myath and Sayturday. My midwestern roomie has been kind enough to help me out. She says potatoes and nods her head. I’m trying to teach her more “Indian” things. Who says potato in India for everything anyway? “What’s your name?” “Potato” <head nod>
The only steam engine boat on the Mississippi. Don’t look at the other ones because this is the ONLY steamboat here. The others are FAKE. I didn’t make any of this up. The captain of the ship was nice enough to point it out to us repeatedly, just in case we didn’t hear it the first 20 times he’s said it. He also had a habit of repeating everything he’d already said. I know a lot of people tend to repeat it right after they’ve said something but guy was a little different. He would repeat the story of the brewery on the shore multiple times and sometimes when he is in the middle of showing us something completely different. It was kind of what I think Brahmin priests do, you know? Say random things because nobody really knows what they’re saying in Sanskrit?
The past and present clash in New Awrlins. It reminds me of Pondy.
How can you not keep eating Beignets?
This was right before some creepy old dude told me that I look nice in my dress.
If you are still convinced that you want to marry New Orleans with me. Here is Louis Armstrong to help you be convinced.