I’m annoyed with myself. I’m on week two and I have been rather unproductive. Even a break should be worth it. This is nothing. Or it has become nothing. It was a relief when it started a week ago and now it is a burden.
How things change.
How I have changed.
Maybe I’m still the same.
I’m restless. I’m angry. I need to do. I need to see. I need to learn and I’m here, wasting away.
For the first time in two years I’m having a creativity freeze up moment.
I listen to other people and say, you know what it is okay to let go once in a while. Fuck that. I’m so unfit because I let myself go for a long time. Not okay. Nothing is okay. This is who I am. Restless. Aching. Curious. Creative. You curb me when you’re okay with mediocrity. When you’re okay with with someone who has let go.
People tell me I’m super calm. Calm all the time. No matter what happens I’m right there being everyone’s Buddha. If you look into my mind right now you will see the chaos. The anger. The unrest.
I shouldn’t have had that fruit roll up.
If Chuck Palahnuik met me in real life I think we’d be buddies.
And this is why children, Aunty SL will die a spinster.
Good night folks.